Me Gustaría Contaros Algo Importante:

Hola, chicas. Hoy me gustaría contaros algo importante y personal para mí, pero después de vuestros mensajes de preocupación por lo perdida que he estado estos últimos meses, tras comentar que estaba pasando por un momento complicado, quiero compartir con vosotros.

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*Nota publicada el 17 de mayo de 2016

No es fácil expresar algo que ha supuesto un obstáculo en mi día a día, pero también es cierto que no quiero que penséis que de alguna manera no estoy con vosotros tanto como antes, ni mucho menos me gustaría que creyerais que os estoy fallando. Pues para cualquier decisión siempre estáis muy presentes para mí y sois una fuerza increíble de apoyo y motivación.

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Os cuento que este invierno pasado empecé a tener problemas con la ansiedad. A veces la presión de la rutina nos puede, los problemas familiares, las tensiones que nosotros mismos y sin sentido nos imponemos y sin darnos cuenta nos vamos desgastando. Pero contradictoriamente  al cuerpo le da el bajón cuando aparentemente todo ha pasado y es lo que me sucedió a mí. Empecé con una crisis de ansiedad que no pude controlar, diaria. Sin poder dormir, muy angustiada, con taquicardias. Solo llegaban sensaciones malas. Sin ganas de nada, ni siquiera de relacionarme con gente cercana, solo de estar en casa.

Quería hacerme creer que sola podría y que sería algo fugaz, muy pasajero y leve… Quería creerlo así… Ya de por sí mi personalidad es bastante tímida en eventos, pero por ejemplo,en el JAR empecé a darme cuenta de que algo no andaba bien dentro de mí… influyendo no solo en mi estado de ánimo, si no en mi cuerpo. Había ocasiones en las que se venía abajo e incluso creía que me desmayaría. Esto sucedía sobre todo en sitios cerrados y con mucha gente. En definitiva, no ha sido una buena racha y quise apartarme un poco de todo, tratar el tema como era debido y recuperarme.

Es cierto que cada cosa necesita su tiempo y que todavía es pronto, aunque han pasado unos meses, pero hace unos días me ocurrió algo complicado que me hizo ver que era más fuerte de lo que podía. Darme cuenta de que sí podía con esa presión que te oprime el pecho hasta dejarte sin respiración. No sé… a veces en los malos momentos eres consciente de la capacidad que tienes para ciertas cosas que no creías y es así cómo lo he vivido, sumado a concienciarme de que no solo podría salir del bache, sino que quería hacerlo. Recuperando las ganas que había perdido incluso de escribir, algo que me dolía pensar porque adoro lo que hago. Mejor o peor, pero que me llena.

Con esto quiero decir que me disculpéis si habéis sentido en este tiempo que he estado más ausente, incluso cancelando eventos por miedo a no afrontarlos como os debo por lo que me habéis ayudado a conseguir. Y sobre todo, quiero daros las gracias por el apoyo que me habéis demostrado siempre, conociendo o no que existían problemas que me limitaban. Sé que la timidez no me abandonará nunca, los nervios… pero me niego por ello a no volver a disfrutar del mundo de la literatura. Pese a mis inquietudes, dudas. Esto también forma parte de mí. De esta Patricia Geller insegura que siempre ha habido y  que hay en mi interior en cada paso que doy.

Y quiero que sepáis que vuelvo con la ilusión de continuar con esto que me apasiona, que ahí estaré siempre que vosotros queráis.

Esta reflexión viene ahora porque me siento preparada para contarlo, pero por encima de todas las cosas, porque me sentía en la obligación de abrirme de esta forma con vosotros por todo lo que me habéis y seguís dando en cada proyecto. Si existe la solución debemos buscarla y si no la encontramos por un camino, siempre habrá otro para continuar.

Un beso enorme y siempre agradecida con todos vosotros los que formáis parte de mi vida <3

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A día de hoy sabéis que todo eso ha ido cambiado, pero no quería borrar ese post tan importante para mí hace meses.  Vosotros habéis sido una parte fundamental de volver a ser yo. 

Quizá no lo sepáis… ¡Pero os debo mucho, bipolares! 

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